Equivalent Exchange
by Yami White Rain
Summary: To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (1/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 6. are you now or have you ever been_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Connor, Angel, Buffy; mild Buffy/Angel, mentions of Connor/Cordelia, Angel/Cordelia  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.

In one set of memories, Connor remembers sneaking into his sister's room, finding her diary and reading the latest entry that described in detail her first kiss with her soon-to-be-boyfriend. In another set of memories, he remembers sinking his father into the bottom of the ocean.

Both his sister's soon-to-be-boyfriend and father are the same person.

* * *

Once again, Connor lives at the Hyperion Hotel.

However, it's different now. Cordelia's room is always quiet, because now she's dead. But Buffy is there, most of the time. Spike and Wesley might as well just move in, as much time as they spend there. And various Scoobies and allies come and go frequently.

But the part that's most different is that it feels like home. Before, he had no where else to go. Now, there is no where else he wants to be.

* * *

When Sunnydale blew up, so did nearly all of the photo albums that showcased Connor in the childhood he never had but remembers better than his real one.

Buffy, with the help of Wesley, was able to contact their father in order to get the three albums he owned from him, and give them to Angel.

He's the only one with no memories of his son as a Summers.

Connor often catches Angel looking through them. The look on his father's face tells Connor all he needs to know: it's not enough but way more than he feels he deserves.  


* * *

Recently, Angel bought Buffy a bracelet that spelled out the name _Dawn._ She never takes it off. And, often, Connor finds her fiddling with it absently. Or, she'll grow quiet and stare at it, unmoving, until her brother snaps her out of it.

He's the only one who can.

He's also the only one without any memories of Dawn.

You shouldn't be able to resent and love someone you've never met who technically doesn't exist and never has. But Connor does.

The world isn't what it should be and there are some things that can't be overlooked or ignored to be able to walk in the world as it could be.

Sometimes it's also not enough to apologize.

Sometimes you just have to take what you have and work with it.

It's a lesson Connor learned from both Buffy and Angel - the two people he knows who can never learn it properly, much less live it.

* * *

Every once in awhile, Connor and Angel will find themselves in Cordy's old room together. Neither of them ever say anything to one another and it's the only time Connor allows Angel to hug him.

Usually Connor goes in there alone, sits on her bed, and wishes desperately he knew the Cordelia who was the heart of Angel's mission and loved by most of the people he knows as well as the one who was possessed and devoured by evil in order to use him.

-

Connor's sure he'll never forgive Spike for hurting Buffy. But he's also sure that it's possible to care for someone in spite of the things that can never be fixed.

He wonders if Dawn hated him too and if she ever got the change to allow herself to love him again before she was ripped from the world as quietly as she was put in it.

* * *

The only one he tells his nightmares to is Wesley. He won't say how they make him feel or mention that he sometimes wakes up shivering and covered in head to toe with his own sweat.

Wesley never asks for him to elaborate.

He's not sure if Wesley listens to him in order to make up for kidnapping him, because he understands how read into what a person says to find what they mean and is never one to let his skills go to waste, or because he simply cares for Connor.

Connor's also not sure if, in the end, the motive really matters.  


* * *

When they're training together or Angel is scolding him, Connor often slips and calls him 'Dad'.

He's starting to think the times he calls him 'Angel' instead of 'Dad' are the slip ups. He's not sure if it's the way Angel looks at him when he does or because of the bone-deep feeling he has that tells him it's Angel is his father.

Maybe it's both.

* * *

The only thing in the world Connor feels he can count on no matter what is Buffy. She's saved the world countless times. She leads an army of Slayers every day. She's his sister in every way that counts. She's the one he loves the most.

He tells her this every time she sends someone off to die.

He's not sure if she'll ever believe him, but he won't stop telling her.

* * *

Angel's mission to make amends and Buffy's mission to save the world have yet to interfere with one another, and, often aren't exclusive goals.

They all know that could change fast.

They all know it will probably involve Connor.

It's not something anyone talks about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (2/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 7. double or nothing_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred; Buffy/Angel, Wesley/Fred UST  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.  
**Notes:** Takes place post Damage with Angel, with some references to what happened in You're Welcome.

* * *

"Gunn isn't wrong," Wesley said. From behind where he was standing, staring out the window, Angel could feel Wesley watching him, probably with the same thoughtful expression on his face that he generally wore when he was talking to Angel. "To say leaving Wolfram & Heart won't be easy is an understatement."

"Funny thing," Angel told him and didn't bother to turn around. "I really don't care."

"I can see that," Wesley said, dryly, as walked over to stand closer to Angel. "I just think this a decision you should make cautiously. This will not be something you can back away from if you choose to go through with it."

At that, Angel did turn around to face Wesley. "This isn't just something I just decided to do, Wes. There have been a lot of things that have happened lately that made me realize that this isn't the place where I should be."

Wesley's voice was soft when he asked, "How much of you recently learning that Buffy no longer trusted you influence this decision?"

Angel was saved from answering that question by Harmony's voice calling out, "You can't go in there! Boss said he's not talking to anyone today."

"To bad," a familiar voice said shortly before briskly walking into Angel's office.

Angel had stelled himself for Buffy - he rather suspected it would be a confrontation considering Andrew's recent double-cross, even if her voice sounded more tired and worried than angry - but there was no way he could prepare himself for the person walking in behind her.

Connor.

He hadn't even registered his son's scent.

"Wes, take care of this," Angel ordered sharply.

"Of course," Wesley said, probably suspecting Angel wasn't in the mood to deal with Buffy. Angel was, not for the first time, grateful in a guilty way that Wesley's modified memories restored some aspects of their friendship back to the way they were before - before Connor.

However, he wasn't able to make it to the door before Buffy grabbed his arm. "I didn't come here for Wesley."

"Whatever you need," Angel said, brushing her off, "he can help you. I don't have time."

"Angel," Buffy said in a way that made him freeze.

He turned around and looked at her and it was like nothing between them had changed since she was sixteen and innocent and he was foolish enough to think he finally had something he could keep.

"Wes," Angel said, without thinking, "can you keep him busy in your office? We should probably be alone."

"I'm all over that," Connor said, pretending to shutter, and hearing his voice was almost enough to make Angel want to grab him and never let go. "You don't want to see them when they really get started. It's like a melodramatic chick flick if they were known to tone things down."

"I am not without experience of observing their more dramatic interactions," Wesley said dryly as he led Connor out of Angel's office.

When the door closed behind them, Buffy began to pace around the office. "It's Connor," she said.

Unable to keep still with all the fear and anxiety coating her voice and sliding off her body like waves, Angel walked over to her and grabbed her shoulders. "Whatever this is, we'll find a way to fix it." He was close enough now to see that she hadn't been sleeping well and that she was close to tears. He brushed some hair out of her face and, before he could stop himself, added, "Promise."

At that, Buffy took a deep breath and some of the tension in her body melted away. "He's developing powers. And we've ruled magic, demons and possession. The only other thing it might be is related to him being the Key - "

Angel dug his fingers into her skin. "They key? What about Dawn?"

Buffy's face twisted into confusion. "Dawn?"

Angel tore his hands away from her and took several steps back. Things were staring to come together but in a way that left him more questions. "Never mind."

Buffy looked like she wanted to hug him as she took a few steps forward. "Are you okay?"

"We need to focus on your brother," Angel said, the last word coming out slightly hesitant, because he really couldn't be sure of the exact nature of their relationship.

Buffy gave him a long look before finally saying, "Yeah." Her features softened considerably. "Thank you."

"It's no problem," Angel said. "I have someone who might be able to give me some answers. But - "

"Solo thing?" Buffy asked.

"Kinda," Angel said. "Harmony can tell you were to find Wes and C - your brother."

Buffy's lips twitched. "Harmony? How did that happen?"

"Long story," Angel said and resisted the urge to rub his eyes.

Buffy closed the distance between them and set a hand on his and said with a smile, "I think it's one I'd like to hear."

* * *

When Wesley opened the door to his office, the first thing he saw was Fred fiddling with one of his paperweights.

At his entrance, she set it down roughly. "I think that we need to talk about Angel - " she paused when Connor entered the room behind Wesley. "Later." She gave Wesley a look that made him shift slightly before turning her attention to Connor.

"This is Connor Summers, Buffy's younger brother," Wesley said, motioning towards Connor and then he motioned toward Fred, "and this is my colleague, Winifred Burkle -"

"Don't say it like that," Fred scolded lightly as she walked over to them. "Too formal." She scrunched up her face. "Like we're not friends."

Wesley tensed slightly and was about to correct himself, but Fred continued speaking.

"Just call me Fred," she said brightly and held out her hand.

Connor shook it and then said, "Willow's mentioned you a few times."

Fred's smile became even brighter. "Oh has she said anything about sub particle gun I've been designing? I think the science is sound, but I'm not nearly as sure on the magical part." She gave Wesley an apologetic look. "And since Willow is really great at both science and magic, I thought I'd get some advice from her before going to you. I didn't want to waste your time."

"I understand," Wesley and told himself that it would be ridiculous to be jealous of Fred emailing a friend, even if they were flirting some last year. He walked over to his desk and said as casually as he could mange, "However, you should never worry about wasting my time."

Before he ducked his head, he saw Connor give him considering look before he turned back to look at Fred. "Way over my head."

"So," Fred said awkwardly, taking a few steps back in order to lean against Wesley's desk. "Why - "

"Am I here?" Connor asked. "Things are a little weider than normal with me and my sister is freaking out." There was a knock on Wesley's door. "Speak of the devil." He looked down at his watch. "It's only been like five minutes." He looked at both Fred and Wesley, and said, seriously, "This might mean they skipped the kissing and teary speeches about how they can never be together. Scary times we live in."

"How do you know it's her?" Fred asked.

"I can smell her," Connor said as he walked over to the door and opened it.

Fred and Wesley exchanged a look.

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked, setting her hand on Connor's forehead.

Connor brushed her off. "See? This is why I can never take you out in public."

Wesley expected her to snip back at him, but she just took a step back and continued to give him a worried look.

It was mildly concerning. Back when Wesley was her Watcher, he rarely saw the two of them together without bickering. The exception being when Connor was in danger, which honestly wasn't and uncommon event, as it was hardly a secret that the Slayer was protective of her brother, and many foolish demons tried to use that against her.

Wesley couldn't think of a single one who didn't met an ugly and painful death when Buffy got her hands on them.

What became even more concerning was the look on Connor's face when she moved away from him. "Maybe I can tolerate you for one night where no one knows my face."

"You just don't want to pay for your own dinner," Buffy said.

Connor set a hand on the back of her shoulders and began to lead her out of the room. "Speaking of which, I think a raise on my allowance is in order."

"In your dreams," Buffy said shortly. She turned around and told Wesley, "Make sure Angel calls as soon as he gets something."

"I will," Wesley said with a nod.

After Connor shut the door behind him, Fred turned towards Wesley and gave him a small smile. "Speaking of dinner, maybe we should get some too."

"To talk about Angel," Wesley agreed. He picked up his phone. "Perhaps I should call Gunn and Lorne? It would probably be best if we all worked together."

Fred slipped off his desk, causing her shoulders to slump slightly. "Kill two birds with one stone?"

"Precisely," Wesley said, smiling at her before dialing Gunn's number.

* * *

When Eve walked into his office, Angel shut the door none-too-gently and turned around. Folding his arms, he said, "Sit."

Eve sat down primly. "How can I be of service?"

"You can start by explaining why my son is with Buffy," he walked over to her, slowly, and set his hands down on the arm of the chair she was sitting on. Then he leaned over. "And while you're at it, where the hell Dawn is."

Eve leaned back slightly and grinned. "You know the deal you made with Wolfram and Hart."

"The deal," Angel said, his voice like steal, "was to give Connor a normal and happy life. I don't remember 'brother of a Slayer' being part of that deal." He shifted his face just enough to let her know he was hair away from showing her his fangs, "And I'm pretty sure that I made sure that he wasn't taking anyone else's life when he was given a new one."

Eve's smile shook slightly, but her voice remained cheerfully even. "See, that's the problem with you, Angel. While making sure no one could ever touch him, you gave the Senior Partners all they need."

"If I kept him so safe, then why the hell is he with Buffy?"

"You don't think Buffy can keep him safe?" Eve asked brightly.

"That's not the point," Angel snapped and willed himself not wrap his hands around her neck. She was his only source of information. "I saw him with his new - I saw him. Was that some sort of an illusion?"

"No. The Senior Partners always keep their deals. Until today, you're son was Connor Reilly," Eve said and she began to stand up but the look Angel gave her stopped her in her tracks. She licked her lips. "But you didn't. You plan to quit."

"How exactly would putting my son in danger stop me from leaving?" Angel asked.

Eve let out a frustrated sigh. "If they wanted to stop you, Connor would be back in that mall about to kill himself, for starters."

"Then what are they doing?"

"Warning you," Eve said.

While he digested this, Angel pulled away from her and began to pace. "How does Dawn fit into all of this?"

"Being the key, she was easily expendable," Eve said. "And her connection with Buffy made her a perfect target."

"She's not part of this!"

Eve shook her head. "Did you have any idea at all what you were getting into when you took this deal?"

Angel stared her down. "You're not telling me everything."

"I am!" Eve said. "How many times do I have to tell you that I only know what the Senior Partners want me to know before you get it?"

"Do you know how many people I've tortured, Eve?" Angel asked lightly. "I do." Eve froze. "And I think I'm starting to miss it." He shifted into his game face. "Want to help me find out if I do?"

"I don't know anything else," Eve said. "But maybe the warlock who built Connor's memories does."

"Does he have a name?" Angel asked in a tone that made Eve swallow.

"Cyvus Vail."

* * *

"Angel," Vail said in a wheezing voice. "How very nice to see you in person."

With a hand covered in the blood of the guards he'd killed to get to the warlock, Angel grabbed his throat and squeezed lightly.

"I guess you aren't here for pleasantries," Vail said.

"More in the mood to kill," Angel agreed. "You talking might help with that."

"I made your son twice," Vail said. Angel let go of his neck, but otherwise didn't move an inch. "A shame I had to redo him, Connor Reilly was some of my finest work."

"Tell me what this has to do with Dawn," Angel said. "And keep in mind I already know that she was chosen because she's not exactly human and close to Buffy."

"It takes a lot of power to change someone's memories," Vail said. He waved one hand, and, in front of him a yellow box of light appeared. "And it can easily be broken if this were to be destroyed in front someone whose memory had been altered by magic." He waved his hand again and the box disappeared. "It takes even more power to completely change reality. Power beyond even mine. Power that a goddess would use."

"So you used Dawn."

"Yes," he shook his head slowly. "That was also a shame. She was fine work, as well."

"Can it be changed back?" Angel asked, although he wasn't sure what he could do to both bring back Dawn and keep his son sane yet.

"The power of the key has been transferred into your son to complete the shift in reality completely," Vail said. "That cannot be undone."

"Then give me one good reason not to kill you," Angel said, jerking his hand back to cover Vail's throat and crush his fingers into the flesh of the warlock's neck.

"Because I didn't say that Connor's original memories couldn't be restored," Vail said. He's lips twisted into an ugly smile as Angel dropped his arm. "Or the Slayer's."


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (3/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 8. power play_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred, Spike; Buffy/Angel, Spike/Buffy, Wesley/Fred UST, mentions of Connor-Xander and Connor-Spike  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.  
**Notes:** Takes place post Damage with Angel, with some references to what happened in You're Welcome.

* * *

"Before you leave," Vail said, standing up, "there is something I need from you." He waited until Angel turned around to face him before continuing. "Your son."

The only response Angel gave Vail was to fold his arms.

"I am not as young as I once was," Vail croaked, "so I need to put my affairs in order before I run out of time."

"What does my son have to do with your affairs?"

"He is destined to kill Sahjhan," Vail said. "It would be an... inconvenience to me if he remained alive." Once again, he waved his hand. But this time, instead of a box of light, he held up a vase that Angel recognized - the one Sahjhan was trapped in. "Holding him in this is not as a permanent solution as I require." He waved his hand again, making the vase disappear. "The good news for you is that I wasn't going to have your take care of this for a few more months."

He took steps towards Angel. "You have until then to teach him how to kill again." He continued to walk past Angel. "If you'll excuse me, there are things I need to attend to."

* * *

Buffy didn't waste any time. As soon as she shut Angel's office door, she asked, "What do you have?"

"Mostly bad news," Angel admitted. Buffy slumped down in the chair in front of his desk. "Connor is apparently part of some prophecy. The only thing I can say for sure is that it does have to do with him being the Key."

Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Do you know what the prophecy is?"

"Nothing that I can confirm," Angel said and forced himself not move towards and comfort her. It wasn't easy, it'd been nearly five years since he was all business with her. "Just that he's part of one."

"What aren't you telling me?" Buffy asked without bothering to open her eyes.

Angel tightened his grip on the pen he was holding. "I know you don't trust me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to lie to you."

Buffy looked at him and said, incredulously, "You think I can't tell when you're lying to me?"

Angel leaned forward. "What exactly do you think you know about me now? We haven't really talked in years."

"I don't have time to do this," Buffy snapped as she stood up. She turned around sharply and began to walk towards the door.

Before she opened it, she said, without turning around, her voice without the heat it had a moment before, "For the record, I never said I didn't trust you. It's just that the Slayers are my responsibility and the only ones who can help her are those of us who know what she's going through."

Angel bit down his reply about what Andrew said. It was likely that Buffy would become even angrier at him for taking Andrew's word as the truth without contacting her. And, Angel had to admit, she would have had a point.  


* * *

Wesley was about to knock on the door to Angel's office when he heard Eve's voice.

"My hands are pretty much tied, Angel." A pause in which neither of them said anything passed. Wesley set his knuckles on the door, intending to knock, when Eve spoke again, "What would you have me do?"

Angel's voice was angry when he answered. "If you think I'm going to let Vail - " Angel abruptly stopped and Wesley filed away the name 'Vail' to look into at a later time. "Just get out. And try not to bother Wes too much when you do."

Wesley imagined Eve rolled her eyes as she stood up and walked across the room. Wesley opened the door and didn't bother to keep it open for her when he walked in.

"Those windows can be useful," Wesley said once Eve had left the room.

"Could smell you too," Angel said.

"Speaking of which," Wesley said, "that's also a skill Connor possesses." At the look Angel gave him, Wesley elaborated, "He was able to smell Buffy before he saw her yesterday."

"Does that narrow anything down?"

"Any information we acquire has the potential to be useful," Wesley said.

"Meaning nothing," Angel said as he leaned back into his chair, face lined in frustration.

"Not yet," Wesley admitted and gave Angel a small, comforting smile as he walked over towards him. He rested against the edge of Angel's desk slightly before continuing, "However, it's likely we'll have something to go on after we run the tests later today."

Angel looked away from Wesley. "Buffy and I had a fight."

"She wouldn't let that get in the way of helping her brother," Wesley said. "So that's obviously not what's troubling you."

Wesley wordlessly followed Angel with his eyes as shoved away from his desk and stood up. Then he walked over towards the window, folded his arms, and stared out at the city before him. "It's not just the fight. It's being next to her. And so much has changed."

Wesley processed that for a moment. "Do you feel as if you're not able to connect with her as you once were able to?"

"That's one way of putting it," Angel said, his voice sounding distant and alone.

"What hasn't changed is that no one else matters as much to you," Wesley said and he was about to stand up and walk over to Angel when he was struck with the image of Cordy and froze. Then he tensed, slightly, as he sometimes still did when he thought he'd said the wrong thing. "Unless, of course, Cordelia -- "

"Let's just say that Cordy doesn't make things easier," Angel said. He turned around, unfolding his arms as he did. "You should go work on getting ready to test Connor. Have Fred help."

Wesley shook his head as he took a few steps over towards the other man. "Angel - "

"Wes."

The tone of Angel's voice stopped Wesley from taking another step and the look in his eyes made him give Angel a short, slow nod. "If you change you're mind..."

Angel met Wesley's eyes. "Thanks."

* * *

Two words from a familiar voice stopped Spike in his tracks:

"You're alive."

"And corporal too," Spike said as he turned around to face a pair of angry blue eyes.

"I said I'd kill you if you hurt my sister again," Connor said, storming over to Spike in a manner not unlike Buffy when she was pissed. When Connor had closed the distance between the two of them, he folded his arms and said, "And now I have super powers to help me."

Spike rose an eyebrow. "Haven't touched her."

"You died!"

"Saving the world - "

"And couldn't bother to pick up a phone and tell her you weren't dead?"

Spike hide his wince by stretching out his arms and leaning against the hallway wall. "It was for the best."

All the anger seemed to drain from Connor's form. "I thought you'd be different than Angel."

"Are you trying to find a way to give me a heart attack?" Spike said as made a gesture of disgust with his arms.

Connor didn't even crack a smile and Spike was reminded, again, of what he'd lost with Connor. Not even earning his soul had helped cool Connor's anger.

"You made her cry too," Connor said and then brushed pass him.

Spike watched him walk away and when he was out of sight said, "You can come out now."

"What did you do?" Angel asked, appearing from around the corner of the hallway.

Spike inclined his head to Angel and avoided the question by saying, "And to think, he used to have a crush on me."

Angel stared at him.

"Got me to tell him him about the old days," Spike said as he rolled his shoulders. "Didn't even want to know about you. It proves he had taste"

"I can't really blame him," Angel said shortly and began to walk down the hall.

Spike followed him. "You should thank me, I did a world a favor by improving that taste of his. Last thing the world needs is another person having the hots for Xander."

Angel paused to digest this. Spike honestly couldn't hold that against the old man. "We're never going to talk about this again."

Spike was only too glad to keep going on after that. "I, for one, was pretty sure something was up with the poor kid after that. Nothing short of magic could make you look at Harries and think 'I -"

Without a word, Angel knocked Spike hard on the back of his head and walked swiftly down the hall towards his office.

* * *

After double-checking that everything needed for Connor's tests was there and ready to go, Fred set down the clipboard and turned around to face Wesley, who was scribbling things down in his old clipboard. "I'm ready when you are."

"I'll be done in just a moment," Wesley said, and true to his word, no longer than a minute passed before he, too, set the clipboard down. Then, as took hold one of his wrists awkwardly, he said, "I did mention that we're to do this alone, right?"

"A few times," Fred confirmed.

He turned around. "That would include Knox."

Fred licked her lips. "I know. To be honest, we haven't really been spending as much time together as we used to."

"I had noticed that you two worked on projects in completely different manners," Wesley said.

Fred jumped on that. "Yeah. He's not nearly as thorough as I am. And we're pretty much on the same page when it comes to science, which isn't a bad thing, really. But, it's nice to work with someone who has different set of skills. It brings in new ideas and keeps things fresh." She bit her bottom lip and walked over towards him and leaned on the counter, tilting her head up so she could look at his face. "Like someone who works with, say, magic."

"I imagine that would be a very beneficial experience," Wesley said and got out his cell phone eagerly. "Perhaps I could set up and appointment with one of my employees to work with you."

Fred just stared at him, and was seriously considering taking the advice Spike had given her to just skip the flirting, hints, and signals and kiss him, when Connor poked his head into the lab.

"Is this where I'm supposed to be?"

"Yeah," Fred said as cheerfully as she could manage though her frustration, "Come on in."

* * *

As Buffy sat down across from Spike in the lounge, he said, "Don't bother with the talking-to. Your brother already had a go there."

"Works for me," Buffy said, not bothering hiding her tiredness from Spike, as she folded her arms on the table and set her head on them.

Buffy heard a chair scrape across the floor, closer to her, and then a familiar palm was set on the top of her shoulder. "Just don't focus on the bad parts, Pet."

"What are the good parts?" Buffy said as she turned her head to look at him. "The only thing I can think is my brother is changing and there's nothing I can to do stop it because I have no clue why it's happening. Oh, and as a nice bonus, I just found out that there's a prophecy about him and, surprise, I have no clue what it's about either."

"He'll be a whole lot harder to kidnap with extra strength," Spike pointed out after a short moment.

"Then he'll want to fight with me," Buffy said and when Spike tried to pull away, she set her hand on his and held it against her shoulder, rubbing his wrist with her thumb.

"He's got grow up sometime," Spike said as slowly, his hand relaxed against her skin.

"Not until I say so," Buffy retorted and pressed her face back into her arms and her shoulders shook as she laughed in spite of herself and everything around her.

* * *

"I'm starving," Fred said as she stretched her arms out. "Why don't we get something to eat?"

Wesley glanced at his watch. "I'm afraid I don't have enough time. There's some research I need to catch up on."

"I could help," Fred said. "Order in." She grinned at him as she said, recalling Wesley urging her to eat a few months ago when she was working on making Spike corporal again, "You shouldn't skip meals anymore than I should."

"It's a rather complicated subject. It would probably be best if I worked at it alone," Wesley told her as he gathered up the notes they'd taken on Connor and put them in a file. Realizing how that sounded, he looked up at her and said quickly, "Not that you're anything short of brilliant - it's just."

"Outside my expertise?"

"Of sorts," Wesley said with a nod.

Fred gave him a quick smile. "I guess I'll be going then."

"Make sure to have a nice evening," Wesley said. "I'll make sure to give these files to Angel."

Fred walked towards the lab door. And then she turned around and walked back to Wesley. "Rain check?" She folded her arms behind her back and rocked her feet. "And maybe this time without meetings on Angel that tun out kinda pointless because he's too busy with Buffy and Connor to quit and none of us have any good ideas anyway." She shook her head to get back on subject. "Or meals that aren't meetings at all. Like - like a date."

Wesley's eyes widened slightly and he clenched the files he was holding. "I think I'd like that."

"Good," Fred said before taking his hand and squeezing it for a moment before turning around and walking out of the lab.

* * *

Angel had been reading the files on Connor, trying not to think about how he wouldn't be able to avoid his son forever, much less how he'd handle it when it came time for Angel to face him, when Wesley, without a word, walked into his office over towards his desk.

He dropped a file on Angel's desk and opened it up on the first page which Angel recognized as the first page of his contract with Wolfram & Hart. At the bottom, written in blood, was his signature.

"Is there something you'd like to tell me, Angel?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (4/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 9. same time, same place_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred, Spike, Gunn, Lorne; Buffy/Angel, Fred/Wesley  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.  
**Notes:** Takes place post Damage with Angel, with some references to what happened in You're Welcome.

I'm sorry this took so long to post. Real life interfered with Internet Time.

-

Before answering, Angel looked Wesley over. He was holding himself stiffly and his eyes were hard. "Sit down."

Wesley obeyed after a moment.

"How much do you know?" Angel asked.

"I read the contract in full," Wesley told him. "I'm not as up on legal matters as Gunn, but I can't say I thought the writing was over my head."

"So you know I have a son," Angel said. He forced himself not to look away.

"Yes," Wesley said.

"It didn't turn out well," Angel said and quickly decided not to mention Wesley's part in Connor's breakdown. The last thing he needed was Wesley to drown himself in alcohol and guilt for something he couldn't even remember. Or worse, decide to walk away again. "I lost him to Hotlz and a hell dimension after a few months."

Wesley's face softened and his arms twitched, as if he wanted to reach out and touch Angel. "Which one was it?"

"Quor'Toth," Angel said and the word burned on his tongue.

Wesley's eyes widened and any remaining anger drained from his body. "Angel - "

Angel didn't let him finish. He had, for the most part, forgiven Wesley for kidnapping his son, but it was something he could never forget and hearing Wesley express any sort of sympathy towards Connor situation would have been too much. Especially since he had before. "He came back so angry and..."

Wesley leaned back and set his hands in his lap, concern in his eyes.

Angel looked down, unable to keep looking at Wesley. He grabbed some papers on this desk and straightened them up. "Let's just say that I didn't exactly help him."

Angel knew Wesley wanted to say something, probably words of comfort that would be meaningless and false because Angel could list every single mistake he'd made with his son and nothing change that, not completely.

"He wanted to kill himself and other people - " Angel only left out Cordy because he wasn't strong enough to even say her name in this situation, "- and the only thing I could do before it was too late was make a deal with Wolfram & Hart. He needed a life I could never give him."

Wesley was quiet for awhile. Ten minutes, exactly, if the clock ticking in the background was accurate.

"You said he came back," Wesley said, quiet, and Angel clenched his fists. "You weren't able to locate him. He had years while I imagine you only had months."

"That doesn't matter," Angel said and, not able to sit down any longer, jerked away from his desk and walked across the room. There were very few things he regretted more than giving up on finding Connor.

"Of course it does," Wesley said. Angel heard the chair creak as Wesley stood up and was very aware of Wesley walking over towards him and allowed it. "Some would not have even tried."

Angel didn't have to hear the way Wesley's voice became harder, defensive, to know what saying those words cost him.

Angel strode over to the couch and sunk into it. Wesley sat down next to him.

"I imagine if you wanted to give your son a normal, not to mention safe, life, you would not have given him to Buffy," Wesley said.

"How did you know - "

"Angel," Wesley said, and the mild frustration in his voice was oddly comforting. "Connor is the name of your son. That was not hard to piece together."

"That was apparently a warning from the Senior Partners for trying to leave," Angel said. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "Before that, he had a normal family and a normal life and was perfectly happy." He moved his head to the side to look at Wesley. "Are you going to tell Buffy?"

"That's something you should probably do yourself," Wesley told him as he looked at Angel in the eyes. "But under the circumstances... If it would be of help to you, it wouldn't be a problem for me."

Angel couldn't help but think of the fact that Dawn was gone and the last thing Buffy needed was the pain of losing another family member as he said, "And if I don't want to tell anyone?"

"If they changed Connor once more than I rather imagine this is something that cannot be undone," Wesley said, not tearing his eyes away from Angel. "So I'll keep this to myself if you really wish to keep this a secret. However, I will tell you that I believe it would be the wrong choice for you to make."

"I could probably handle that," Angel said, without remorse. "But Connor has to fight Sahjhan - that's what the prophecy I told you was about - or else his original memories will come back. We have about two months to prepare him for that." He stood up and in front of Wesley. "Do you think you could help me give Buffy enough to work with?"

-

"Connor's connection with the Key didn't stop with Glory - apparently he is also prophesied to kill a demon called Sahjhan, who is also connected to the Key. We also believe that's why he's also developing powers," Wesley lied to Buffy without blinking.

It was one of the skills he'd... acquired during his relationship with Lilah.

Buffy stared at both Wesley and Angel. Then she folded her arms and stood up from the couch. "No."

Wesley shot her a confused look. "No?"

"No," Buffy confirmed. "I'm vetoing this. How do you kill him? I'll do it."

"You can't just... veto a prophecy," Wesley said and winced mildly at how childish he sounded. It was just that he'd forgotten how frustrating Buffy could be when she didn't like something even if Wesley had to acknowledge that it was often a particular strength of hers.

"Watch me," Buffy said. "Now tell me how to kill this thing or I'll call Giles."

Wesley looked at Angel, who nodded at him. He closed his eyes tightly and then opened them back up. "Chopping off his head should probably work."

She nodded at him then turned to Angel and spoke to him for the first time since Wesley had called her in to give her the information on Connor's condition, "Do you know where he is?"

"Yes. I can even drive you there," Angel said, and Wesley found his frustration fading at that. It was obvious that he had no desire to see Connor - his son, it was still strange for Wesley to think of Connor in that way - going into a dangerous and potentially deadly fight.

But there was still one other fact to consider. "You told me Vail gave you two months."

"Really don't think he'd mind to get this over with sooner," Angel said.

Wesley gave Buffy a wary smile. "Would you like me to inform you on what I know about him or would you rather skip the preparation?"

"Prep me up in the car," Buffy told him as she led Angel and Wesley out of Angel's office.

-

"While I'm sure you don't lack power," the demon and or warlock - Vail - said to Buffy, "Only your brother can kill Sahjhan. The prophecy is quite clear on that."

"A prophecy said I was suppose to die a few years back," Buffy said. "But I'm still alive and kicking."

"Even so," Vail said, his hoarse voice grating in Buffy's ears. "I'd rather not take any risks in this situation."

"Then he's not going to die," Buffy said. "My brother is no going to fight him." She turned around, as if to leave.

Angel grabbed her wrist and Buffy turned around. Vail was holding some sort of yellow glowing box.

"Those aren't terms I will accept," Vail said. "And I don't believe Angel will either."

Angel's eyes were locked on the box and his had tightened his grip so hard on Buffy's arm that it was starting to hurt. "We can't let him break that box."

Wesley took a step forward. "Buffy skills greatly surpass Connor's. Not to mention the fact that she's fought and killed more powerful demons than Sahjhan in her time. You would be wise to take this deal."

Vail ignored him. "With two words I can break the spell with this box."

Angel tore his eyes away from the box and to Buffy. "We can't let him do that. If we train - "

Buffy jerked away from him. "Are you crazy? I'm not risking my brother's life on a stupid prophecy." She walked over to Vail. "You have two choices: me or no one."

"That might be something you regret," Vail said and muttered two words that Buffy couldn't make out, even as she strained her ears.

A moment later she didn't care.

"Let me kill him," Buffy said after taking exactly sixty seconds to stop shaking and bury the tears building up behind her eyes. "Or I will kill you."

Vail was smiling when he said, "If you insist."

Wesley had warned her not to let Sahjhan speak and Buffy took that advice. Sahjhan didn't get a word in before Buffy chopped off his head.

No one else said a word either.

-

After Wesley, Angel and Buffy walked out of Vail's living quarters, Buffy found her way in Angel's arms. She buried her face into his chest and grabbed his arms in a way Wesley noted to himself must have hurt a lot.

Wesley counted the seconds - sixty - before Buffy was able to pull herself together. She pulled away just enough so that she could speak and be heard.

"We have to find out who did this and get Dawn back." She didn't even have to say 'and then kill whoever took her away'.

"That won't be a problem," Wesley said and it felt like someone else was speaking through him. Maybe someone was. The someone who had a scar on his neck. "It was Angel."

Buffy pulled away from Angel and then stared at Wesley. "What?"

That wasn't quite correct. Wesley rubbed his knuckles. "Angel made a deal with Wolfram & Hart to save his son," at the confused look Buffy shot him, Wesley added, "he had become unstable and was attempting suicide. Then it backfired on him when he tried to quit." He looked at Angel. "Was Dawn the price?"

Angel didn't even try to defend himself. He just said, "Yes."

Buffy took a deep breath. "How do we get her back?"

Angel looked at her. "We can't. Wolfram & Hart used the magic that made her to make him."

"He, for all intents and purposes, is now the Key," Wesley said as he pieced what Angel was saying together. Which brought him to a new question. "Did everyone get their memories back?"

"Yes," Angel said. And then his eyes widened. "Connor! I need -"

Buffy grabbed his arm before he could move. "You will never talk to him again."

Angel broke away from her. "He's _my_ son."

"He's _my_ brother," Buffy snarled.

"We don't have time to argue semantics," Angel snapped. "You have no idea what he's been through - "

"I'm about to find out," Buffy said shortly. "And if I see you again, I'll kill you myself."

Wesley watched her stalk off and when she was out of site, he turned back to Angel. "We should be heading back."

Angel stared at him and said, clearly just realizing what Wesley now remembered, "Wes -"

"We should be heading back," Wesley repeated and began to walk towards the car.

Angel took the hint and followed him without a word.

-

When Angel got into his office, Spike was sitting on the couch. He stood up when he saw Angel enter, he tapped his head and asked, "Is there a Dawn Summers or am just I going nuts?"

"There was," Angel said as he walked over to his desk and sat down. "Now there's Connor."

"Did it have something to do with her being the Key?" Spike asked. Angel picked up a pen and rolled it between his fingers. "We thought she was mostly normal, but you can never really tell with magic."

"It has something to do with that," Angel said and he stared at the paperwork in front of him. Staff reviews in Wesley's neat handwriting. "Mostly it has to with Wolfram & Hart and me."

"You wouldn't hurt the little Bit," Spike said and Angel knew he was shaking his head without looking up. "Not unless you lost your soul. If that's it, I can't say that will make a difference because I'd still kill you."

Angel set down the pen. "It wasn't something I planned. Wolfram & Hart just wanted to make sure that I didn't leave."

Spike strode over to him. "What does that even have to do with Dawn?"

Angel looked up and into Spike's eyes. "Connor is my son. Buffy is someone they can use to hurt me. Do I have to do any math for you?"

"Not everything is adding up," Spike said and turned around sharply. "But I don't even care."

Angel watched him walk out of the room.

Before Angel had time to process this, Gunn walked in. "Thought I've give you a head's up. Buffy's friends called. They want answers and they want them in person."

Angel closed his eyes in order to rub them. The last thing he needed was for Xander and Giles to have another reason to want him dead.

"For what it's worth," Angel could feel Gunn's eyes on him, "I'm not pissed. I would have done the same thing for Alonna. Even with all the legalize I've got now telling me every single way that it could come back and bite me in the ass."

"It's got worth," Angel said, though he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, and then Gunn left the room.

Angel had leafed through about half of the reports Wesley had written when Lorne walked in. And Angel would be lying if he didn't say he was at least a little bit uneasy about the fact that, for once, he didn't have a cell phone anywhere in site.

"We need to have talk," Lorne said as he closed the door.

"I really don't have a lot to say," Angel told him.

Lorne waved him off. "Don't worry about that, sweetie. I've got plenty to say." He walked over to the chair in front of Angel's desk and sat down in it.

"And I really don't have a whole lot of time to spare," Angel said, though he set down the reports.

"I can make it short," Lorne said, standing up. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Not my mind, no," Angel replied.

"Angelcakes, you can't just play with people lives like this," Lorne said. "Believe me when I say no good can come from it."

Before Angel could respond, Fred came into the office. "Do you think I could talk to Angel alone?"

"You can probably get through him better than me," Lorne said when she smiled at him, he smiled back and left the room without another word.

Angel pushed the reports aside as Fred walked next to him and scooted on the desk. She set her palms on the edge of it for balance. "Sometimes to be a good dad, you have to do terrible things."

"The last thing I'd call myself is a good dad," Angel said.

"Okay, you probably wouldn't win the parenting award of the year," Fred admitted. "But you did what you had to do for your son. That can't be a all bad." When Angel didn't say anything, Fred pressed on, "Connor's alive, right? And now he's gotta know thing in this world that he didn't before. The things he knows now, they can make all the difference in the world."

"Look, Fred -"

"And it wasn't just him! The past couple of years have been rough." Fred bowed her head. "It's nice for all of us to have more memories where we're together without falling to pieces." Angel didn't have the heart to tell her that his memory had never been altered. "They feel real and that's got to mean something."

At that, Angel stood up. "Wes - "

Fred slipped off the desk. "Angel, would you mind if I talked to him first?"

Angel hesitated but nodded slowly at the look Fred gave him.

-

"It's true," Connor said and it was the first time he'd spoken since his memories had been restored when Buffy found him on top of the roof of the hotel they were staying in, "I'm not wanted."

Buffy grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around. "There is no one in this world I want more."

Connor craned his neck in order to look down at the ground below them. "I was chained up once and bleeding. I was going to jump to save the world. But you wouldn't let that happen and died in my place. And when you came back you wanted to die again and I couldn't fix it."

"But you did," Buffy said, pulling him close.

"It's just a lie," Connor said. "Everything is a lie." He wondered if the impact of jumping off the hotel would kill him or if he was now strong enough to survive it.

"No it's not," Buffy told him and slid to the ground, bringing him down with her. "Sometimes the only thing that gets me through is the fact I want to give you everything. I feel like that right now and that's not a lie."

"Angel told me that too - that he wanted to give me everything." He wanted so badly to wrap his arms around her like he did the night of their - her - mom's funeral. But he couldn't. "But it was just to give me away."

"No." Buffy ran her fingers through his hair. Connor kept his body still. "He just wanted to save you. I don't know what happened, but I do know him."

"By giving me more lies," Connor said as shoved her away roughly. He wasn't sure where the anger came from, but he embraced it. It was better than feeling nothing.

Buffy grabbed him again. She took his his hand in hers. "There was a Key before you. Her name was-" Buffy's voice broke off for a moment. "Dawn. I told her she had my blood and that made her real." She pressed his hand against her shoulder and Connor curled his fingers around her shirt. "I told you the same thing."

Connor remembered. "I don't have your blood."

Buffy's eye sparkled some when she said, "Yes you do. The key was used to make you."

Connor twisted around to look at the edge of the roof. "What if I still want to jump?"

"Then I'll save you." She cupped his face with both of his hands and wiped away a stray tear slipping down Connor's cheek. "I will always save you."

"Don't let go."

"I won't."

-

Wesley didn't answer the soft knocks on the door, but he was not surprised when Fred walked in anyway. He left the door unlocked for a reason.

Fred closed the door softly behind her moved her hand on to the light switch.

"Please don't." Wesley's voice came out hoarser than he'd intended to. But he always lost some control when he drank.

Fred dropped her hand and then made her way across the room and over to Wesley. She firmly grabbed the glass out of his hand. Wesley watched her walk over to the table, set it down, and walk back over to him wordlessly.

"No more of that, now."

Wesley nodded and closed his eyes. "You should go."

"I'm not going to leave you like this," Fred said. She sat down next to him and sat her hand on top of his.

Wesley bowed his head and hated himself for not having the strength to ask her to go again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (5/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 10. doppelgangland_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Willow, Xander, Giles, Harmony; Fred/Wesley, mentions of Angel/Cordy, Buffy/Angel, Willow/Tara, Connor/Cordy  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.  
**Notes:** Takes place post Damage with Angel, with some references to what happened in You're Welcome.

-

It was obvious to Angel that Fred and Wesley spent the entire night on the couch together because they hadn't changed their clothes and because, when Fred stood up, her body was stiff in a way that indicated she hadn't moved in hours.

"I'll see you tonight," Fred told him softly and then kissed the top of his head. "Try and get some rest."

Wesley nodded at her and watched her leave his apartment. "I suppose you want to talk."

"It's why I came here," Angel told him and sat down next to him.

"I kidnapped your son and hours later you tried to kill me," Wesley said. He was looking forward, away from Angel. "In the memories Wolfram & Hart created for me on that same day, I was injured badly in an attack and you took me to the hospital. When I woke up, all my friends were there to see if I was okay. I left with them a few days later." He gave a short laugh. "I find that I can't appreciate the dramatic irony."

Angel wasn't sure if Wesley meant to hurt Angel or himself or both of them with that. "Wes - "

Wesley continued talking, as if Angel hadn't said anything. "The night I rescued you from the ocean, I had meant to inform you that Connor often kept a picture of Cordy that he found on his person. There hadn't been enough time."

"I don't hold it against you," Angel said after a long pause.

Wesley finally looked at Angel. "Even so, I regret it." Angel knew Wesley well enough to know he hadn't slept since he found the contract he had with Wolfram & Hart, but he was still glad that he could confirm that knowledge by looking at the shadows under his eyes.

"Did you, before?" Angel asked though he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

"I regretted the consequences," Wesley said, after a moment. "Regretting my actions was a luxury I couldn't afford."

"Can you now?"

"It's exhausting," Wesley told him.

It wasn't an answer.

* * *

It was both unnerving and comforting that Wesley in his office, looking over the notes that Angel made on his reports with the same careful eye as always did, even though it'd just been over a day since everyone's memories were restored.

"Angel," Wesley scolded without looking up, "we can't just cut off health care for all of our employees. For one, Gunn wouldn't be able to handle all the lawsuits thrown at us on top of his already considerable workload."

More unnerving than comforting, Angel thought dryly, and was saved from responding to Wesley by the phone ringing. He walked across the room, suddenly keenly aware that Wesley had looked up from the reports in order to watch him, and picked it up as soon as he got to his desk.

The person on the other end of the phone was nervous, didn't say her name or where she was from before giving him the news.

"It's Cordy," Angel said, his hand falling to his sides. He looked at the ground. "She's - she's gone. Just now."

Wesley said nothing. Instead, he briskly around the desk and over to Angel, grabbed the phone out of his hand, and started firing questions.

Unconsciously, Angel found himself walking over to his desk chair. This time, he was the one watching Wesley carefully.

It took about five minutes for Wesley to accept what he was being told. His accent was almost as sharp as it'd been back in Sunnydale when he politely thanked the poor girl on the other end of the phone and set it slowly and carefully back on its cradle.

Then he walked across the room and sat down on the couch.

There was nothing to say so nothing was said.

* * *

"Does anyone from Sunnydale know how to listen?" Harmony asked, annoyed, "the boss said no one can enter." She sighed loudly. "But does you guys ever listen? No. I should totally get a raise for this."

"Perhaps... in circumstances that weren't quite so dire..." Giles told her as Xander threw open the door to Angel's office.

"How's it, running evil?" Xander asked.

Wesley knew he was on auto pilot when he looked up from staring out his hands and said, "It's going well."

Xander tapped his chin and then shook his head. "Huh. I thought I'd care more."

Willow had turned to Angel once she had walked into the room and her face shifted from anger to worry when she had lain her eyes on him. "Xander - "

"The funny thing is that I might have cared more yesterday," Xander said. "Or better yet, I wouldn't care at all and I wouldn't even be here. And I'd never have to look at you again." He stalked over to Angel, who didn't even blink. "But, then, I woke up and hey! I suddenly remembered that Buffy's kid brother was actually a kid sister." He threw his thumb behind him, in Willow's general direction. "And then Willow told us you had a son who looks like Connor here's a funny coincidence! His name was also Connor - "

"Shut up," Willow said, icy. Xander turned around, his eyes narrowed. "Will?"

"What's going on?" Willow asked.

Wesley stood up and walked over to Angel to stand beside him. "We've just been informed that Cordelia died a few hours ago."

"It wasn't enough to kill Dawn, you had to kill Cordy too?" Xander snapped and Angel _did_ flinch at that.

Giles, who had been silent and still since they'd barged into Angel's office, admonished, "Xander."

"Cordelia has been in a coma for the past six months," two weeks and five days Wesley added to himself, "after being violated by a rogue higher power." Wesley grabbed a post it note and pen off of Angel's desk and scribbled down the address of the hotel Buffy was staying at. He walked over to and shoved it in Xander's hand. "I've written down the address of the hotel Buffy is staying at for you. Go and plot revenge there, if you must. I don't have the time to indulge in your pettiness."

After setting her hands on Xander's shoulders in a silent gesture to keep quiet, Willow looked at Wesley and said, "If you need any help, just ask."

"Your generosity is welcome," Wesley told her.

Willow gave him a shaky smile before leading Giles and Xander out of the room.

When they'd left, Angel jerked his head up. "The others - I didn't think - "

Realizing he still was holding the pen he'd used to write down Xander's address, Wesley walked back over to next to Angel and carefully set it down where he'd found it.

"It's understandable," Wesley told him. What wasn't understandable was that the first thing Wesley thought when he'd set down the phone was that he needed to inform the others, but couldn't bare the thought of breaking the news to them. "Perhaps you should get some rest."

Angel shook his head. "There's too much to do."

"I can take care of it," Wesley said. "You're going through more than enough."

Angel caught his wrist before Wesley could move. "What about you?"

"There is no comparison," Wesley told him. "If you recall, I was there when Buffy told you not to make contact with Connor."

Angel pulled back, though he didn't let go of Wesley's wrist.

"Does this mean we're okay?" Angel asked.

"That would not even be a question if I was the only one who was suffering because of your actions," Wesley said.

Angel let go.

* * *

Gunn was the first to walk in his office. His face fell the moment his eyes met Wesley's and he walked over to stand next to Wesley just close enough so that it didn't feel so alone.

They were still close enough for Gunn to know not to say a word.

Fred came in a few minutes later, humming cheerfully.

The first thing she saw when she walked in was the look on Gunn's face. It felt as if someone had stabbed Wesley in the gut when her voice fell dead. She walked to stand between them and grabbed both of their hands.

Lorne was the last to come in.

His expression was already miserable.

He said, "It's Cordy."

Wesley had no idea who said "Yes."

* * *

Xander was angry and would say something he'd regret, so Willow broke the news to Buffy and Connor about Cordelia all the while wishing so much that Tara was still alive because she would have been able to do it better.

She would have known exactly what to say when Connor had started to cry. She would have been able to gather him in her arms tell him that Connor was theirs and it would have actually meant something because Tara was the one to tell him (and Dawn) that they were family after Buffy died while Willow began to coat her hands in innocent blood to bring her back.

She would have been able to explain to Buffy why exactly Dawn was gone forever and couldn't come back instead of just croaking out "I can't" while trying not to cry.

Part of her also wished that she'd never met Tara because then Willow would have been stupid enough to bring her back, in spite of all the risks. But Tara's life had taught here there were some things she just couldn't do.

It was a lesson burned into her so deeply that there wasn't a day that went by that she wasn't made aware of her limits.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title:** Equivalent Exchange (6/6)  
**Day/Theme:** _October 11. no place like home_  
**Series:** Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
**Character/Pairing:** Angel, Wesley, Connor, Buffy, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, Spike; Fred/Wesley, Buffy/Angel, Spike/Buffy mentions of Angel/Cordy, Connor/Cordy, Spike/Connor UST if you want to read it that way.  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** _To obtain, something of equal value must be lost._ Unbeknownst to Angel until destiny caught up with him, the true price for Connor's new life was Dawn Summers'.  
**Notes:** Takes place post Damage with Angel, with some references to what happened in You're Welcome.

* * *

Gunn dropped a file on Angel's desk. "I can get us out of here without too much hassle." He paused then added. "At least for now."

Angel folded his hands together and asked, "What changed your mind about leaving?"

"Funny how finding out your memories were modified and a friend dying can change things," Gunn told him.

Angel didn't open the file just yet. "Did you always know how to get out of here?"

"Like I told you before," Gunn said and then tapped his forehead, "Wolfram & Hart just upgraded what was already there." He shrugged. "I didn't need an upgrade to find a loophole or two."

"You're losing what they put in you," Angel said.

"And I could find a way to get it back," Gunn said, not without sharpness. "I'd be getting out even if I wasn't losing it. I'm not doing anyone any good here. Wes, Fred, Lorne, Cor -" his eyes flickered, "they follow you. That's never been why I'm with you."

"Going to join Spike?" Angel asked, folding his arms. "Apparently he's the new Champion for The Powers."

"And we were just talking about me making smarter choices," Gunn asked, shaking his head and turning around.

Before he could leave the room, Angel said, "I'll leave if they all want to. I'm not leaving anyone else behind."

"Did you hear a word I said?" Gunn asked and turned around again in order to walk out of the room. "Give me a week and I'll get us out."

* * *

"So," Fred said as she folded her hands behind her back and rocked forward, closer to Wesley. "No more work." She was, indeed, correct. They'd already left Wolfram & Hart and arrangements for Cordelia's funeral had been made. "It's kinda freeing, isn't it?"

It was, in a way. But Wesley much preferred to have something to focus on. If things had been slightly different, he would be helping Angel set up Angel Investigations again. But things weren't that way and they hadn't talked properly in over two weeks.

Even after Cordelia's funeral, when they spent the entire day together, few words were exchanged.

Fred plopped down on the bed, catching Wesley's wrist in her hand and pulling him down with her. "You should stay at the hotel with us for a few weeks. Wolfram & Hart aren't really known for being reasonable." She looked directly into his eyes. "Safety in numbers, right?"

Wesley fiddled with his hands and tried not to think about the fact that he could smell her perfume and they were so close their shoulders were touching. "Gunn insisted that I didn't go back to my apartment until he was sure it was safe for me to do so."

"I'm glad he convinced you to stay," Fred said. "But I'd be lying a whole lot if I didn't say that I'm a little disappointed. It would have been fun to convince you to stay myself."

"Do you think that Wolfram & Hart would go after you specifically?" Wesley said, the thought just occurring to him. "Surely they've must have observed that you - "

Fred grabbed his face with both of her hands. "Talking isn't getting us anywhere." Then she kissed him.

She had pushed him down on his back and was licking the roof of his mouth when Wesley forced himself to pull away to ask, "For clarification, does this means we're together?"

"If you have to ask, I'm not doing my job right at all," Fred said as she kissed down the line of his jaw.

"I'm suppose I'll have to let you make your point," Wesley murmured and his heart skipped a beat when Fred took that as invitation to unbutton his shirt.

* * *

"Can we not have any more funerals ever again?" Connor asked.

Buffy sat down next to him on the bed. "We can try."

"I thought Cordy was the only one who loved me," Connor said, abruptly. "Part of me still feels that way." He was glad that Buffy wrapped her arm around him. "It's also kind of creepy because she was also into Angel." He turned to look at her. "Do you want to know the creepiest part?"

"No," Buffy said. "But tell me anyway."

"I think she was also like a mom to me," Connor leaned against Buffy some. "I can remember her holding me when I was a baby."

Buffy apparently had no words for that or else Connor knew she would have said something.

"The bright side is that is that I find it easier to cope with the fact that my sister had sex with my father with that in mind," Connor said.

"Don't joke about this," Buffy said, tightening her grip around him.

"Everything is jumbled up," Connor said. He brushed his fingertips across the blanket that covered his hotel bed. The blanket he remembers having his entire life didn't make it out of Sunnydale and the ratty one he found in the dumpster in another set of memories is probably long gone. "Let me just do this my way while I try and sort everything out."

"I can do that," Buffy said.

Connor moved out of her arms in order to stretch out on the bed on his back. "You should also reconsider not talking to Angel forever."

Buffy's entire body tensed up. "This isn't something we're going to discuss, ever."

Connor rolled over on his side. "Just because the part where I had sex with my mother figure creeps me out more than you having sex with Angel doesn't mean I'm not creeped out at all. So it's not like I'm all that interested in reading your diary entries on him anymore. So listen to me, okay?"

The tension in Buffy's muscles didn't melt away. "I'm not going to pull away from you again."

"It's not that," Connor said and it wasn't totally a lie, because that wasn't the thing he was worried about the most with his sister. "It's just that you're in pain."

* * *

"Kinda late for a walk, isn't it?" Spike said.

"I could be on patrol," Buffy said.

"I've seen you patrol," Spike said, "so I know when you're not doing that. For one, you don't have a stake."

Buffy faced him and folded her arms. "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there."

"You think I lived this long without being able to tell when a Slayer is out for a kill?" Spike asked.

Buffy walked over to a nearby bench and sat down in it. When Spike didn't move from where he was standing, Buffy motioned for him to sit next to her with her hand.

"Do you want to talk?" Spike asked, and he was facing forward and away from her.

Buffy looked at him in spite of that. "You promised me that you would protect Dawn," she said.

"And Connor," Spike agreed. "Meant it too. With both of them."

"I don't think I'm every going to get used to that," Buffy said. Part of her wanted to rip off his clothes and demand sex on the small change that it could help her forget, if just for a second. But Connor and Dawn deserved better. Spike, too.

"Probably not supposed to," Spike told her.

Two years ago, he would have, at the very least, set his hand on her shoulder. Last year he would have tried to before jerking away. Now, he was completely still.

"No, it's probably not," Buffy agreed. She set her hand on top of one of his and briefly squeezed it before standing up. "Thank you."

* * *

"I remember when Cordelia made these cards," Angel said. He didn't look up from the business card he was looking at. He traced the crudely drawn Angel on it with his index finger. "I don't even know where she got these done. I wanted to - " he stopped abruptly.

Angel heard Wesley walk fully into the office and shut the door behind him. "If you're still brooding about it, I need you to understand that you didn't."

Now Angel looked up at him. "I didn't what?"

"Kill Cordy," Wesley said.

Angel slapped the card down on the top of the desk. "I might as well have. I should have - "

Wesley cut him off before he could continue. "How could you have possibly known that Cordelia was going to be possessed and that she'd always been destined to?"

"There are things that I could have done," Angel said.

"Like I did, with Connor?" Wesley asked. His eyes didn't flicker away, but Angel's did. He heard Wesley walking over to him and piling some papers on the desk with care in order to make room for him to half-sit on the desk. "Some things cannot be prevented. In your case, that's something that is especially true."

Angel said nothing.

"I spent quite a bit of time looking over the files Wolfram & Hart have on you," Wesley said. "Everyone who becomes important to you or will become important to you will ultimately suffer for it."

Angel has known that since Buffy told him to close his eyes before sending him to hell.

"For you," Wesley continued, "hope will forever be something you must strive for harder than anyone else to have because things like what happened with Connor and Dawn don't just happen - they were destined to."

"What the hell am I supposed to do then?" Angel said, putting all the violence that he was feeling into his voice and looking at Wesley in the eyes when he did so. "Send everyone away again? That always turns out well."

"Carry on in spite of it," Wesley said. "Life is painful for everyone, no matter the circumstances in which they live. But with you - the ones who chose to follow you - have something many people don't: meaning."

"Why the turn around?" Angel asked, remembering Wesley's words to him a few weeks ago.

"Not all change is bad," Wesley said, flushing slightly. Angel didn't need to smell the sex on him to know he was talking about Fred. "Perhaps I am the the person who'll sacrifice anything to protect the people around me, but you're the one who'll do anything to _save_ the people around you, no matter the price you must pay to do so. That is something I now understand about you."

Angel looked back down at the business card. "That's only one way of looking at it."

"The only way you can be certain of that is if you talk to Connor and Buffy," Wesley told him.

"Buffy doesn't want anything to do with me," Angel said and covered the the business card with his hand.

Before Wesley could say anything, the door opened. Wesley and Angel both turned around.

It was Buffy.

* * *

Wesley made his leave and made sure to close the door behind him, but Angel hardly noticed. He tucked away the business card and motioned for Buffy to sit down.

Instead, she walked over to Angel so she was standing in front of him. "Part of me wants to thank you because I have Connor now. Another part of me hates you so much because you took away Dawn."

Angel watched her, made sure that there was nothing else she wanted to say, before speaking. "I never wanted it to end up like this. I know what she means to you."

"No one else mattered to me, not like her," Buffy said. She set one hand on the desk, as if it steady herself. "Not even you. For the longest time, she was the only part of me I could - " Her head inclined to the side so that she wasn't looking at Angel anymore, "and now it's him."

Forcing himself to look at her even she couldn't or wouldn't look at him, he said, "I know what that's like. So long as he's alive, so will I."

"Do you ever wish it would snow again?" Buffy asked. She wasn't looking away from Angel any longer.

"Yes," Angel said.

Suddenly she was in his lap and he wasn't sure if he grabbed her or if she crawled on top of him and when their lips came together he was pretty sure that he didn't really care how it happened.

She still kissed him like he was the only thing that kept her from sinking and he still kissed her like it was the last time he would ever get the chance.

* * *

After Buffy didn't come back to the hotel they were staying at, Connor made his way over to the Hyperion - he knew where it was from memory.

The lobby was empty except for Wesley, who was looking through some books on the counter. He looked up when he heard Connor enter and said, "Your sister should be down in a few hours."

As he walked across the lobby and over towards Wesley, Connor asked, "Aren't you going tell me what she's been up to?"

"I thought I'd spare you the knowledge of things I imagine you'd rather not know," Wesley said as he marked and closed the books he had been reading with care.

A thought struck Connor. "What about his soul?"

"Considering the circumstances, I don't think perfect happiness is a risk he's taking," Wesley said. He looked down at his hands. "Speaking of which, I suppose I should apologize to you. I did have a role in all of this."

Connor walked behind the counter to sit down. He didn't have an answer for Wesley's apology, but he did have a question. "What did you plan to do with me?"

Wesley sat down across from him. "My plan was to raise you as my own. I'm afraid I didn't think it all completely through, however. I - I had limited time plan."

Connor nodded at that. Then he asked in a slow, hesitant voice, "Does it feel real to you?"

Wesley leaned back in his chair and gave Connor a thoughtful look. "Yes. However, since it was a memory that changed me so completely, it's sometimes difficult to process."

Connor didn't get to say anything before Angel walked down the stairs. Glancing at him and then back at Wesley, he said, "Can we..."

"Of course," Wesley said as Angel walked over to him.

Connor watched them exchange a look before Wesley got up and left the lobby without a word. Connor watched his disappear up the stairs before turning towards Angel, who was now sitting where Wesley had been.

"You probably have a lot of questions for me."

"Not really," Connor said. "I get what you did."

"It wasn't - "

Connor cut him off. "Can we just not talk right now?"

Angel didn't say anything else and Connor didn't leave his side for a few hours.

* * *

Connor was putting the last of his clothes into his suitcase and wondering how he and Buffy somehow ended up moving in with Angel and if the weirdness of it all was something he'd ever get used to when someone spoke:

"Need any help?"

Connor looked up from his suitcase and to Spike, who was standing in the doorway. "Not really. Don't have a lot to pack." He zipped the suitcase up and sat down next to it.

"I'll make sure to warn you next time," Spike said.

"Or you could just not explode again," Connor said. He pulled at a stray strand of string on his suitcase.

"Can put it on my list," Spike said.

"Good," Connor said. He still refused to look at Spike. "I'm tired of people dying."

* * *

"Done," Gunn said, singing a the last piece of paperwork to finalize leaving Wolfram & Hart with a flourish. "We are officially through working for them."

"Can't help but notice you didn't say we were done with them," Angel said. He was sitting in the office desk, across from Gunn.

Leaning against a wall doorframe with his arms folded, Wesley rose an eyebrow. "Surely you realize that the hard part is just starting?"

"I think I'm past the hard part," Angel said, "and on to the annoying part."

"Wolfram & Hart are not to be taken lightly," Wesley chided in a mild tone.

"Stop being a party pooper. This is the last night everyone will be her for awhile an we should enjoy it." Giles, Willow, and Xander were going back to England to make arrangements needed to move Buffy's base of operations to L.A. later that night. Wesley turned around, startled, to face Fred, who planted a brief kiss on his cheek. "And help me prepare for dinner."

"But we're ordering in," Wesley said, his face shifting into confusion for a moment before his eyes widened slightly and he said, "oh, of course."

Lorne took his place, drink in his hand, as Fred led Wesley to her room and shook his head. "Well, at least he's _starting_ to catch on."

* * *

"Food's here and everyone's - " Connor's voice faded away when opening Buffy's door revealed to him that she and Angel were kissing.

"We were... unpacking," Buffy said as she and Angel pulled away from each other. "And got distracted."

"You do know I'm so going to say I was 'distracted' next time I break curfew," Connor told her.

"You'll still be grounded," Buffy assured him.

"You know, technically I'm nineteen," Connor said, but he knew this was an argument he wasn't going to win by the look on Buffy's face. He still gave Angel a pointed look.

"I'm pretty sure this is one of the things I'm supposed to stay out of," Angel pointed out.

"You are a coward," Connor told him as he led the two them out of the room and down the stairs into the kitchen where everyone was waiting for them.


End file.
